The Real Self

I was just down by the lovely pond a few blocks from my house, at eight a.m. on a sunny summer Sunday. I did a little stretching, and then sat silently on the big rocks that stand up from the shallows. I closed my eyes, and began to listen to the wind make the leaves rustle each on each, and the water rhythmically lap the edges of the shore.

Eventually, through a process so subtle (and so outside the terms of today’s acceptable conversation) that I can’t describe it here, I reconnected with a Self that knows, by the nature of its very existence, that all my work and effort, all my worry about others’ perception of me, and all my concern about the future, are simply chimeras.

I’m not, of course, saying I don’t want to achieve anything in this life. In some wonderful ways, I’m more ambitious in my early mid-life than I’ve ever been. I am saying that things can be so much more easily achieved when I attend to the winds of Life in each moment, and set my sail in accord with them. It may seem like a detour in the moment, but any sailor will tell you that, to progress against the wind, you have to tack – that is, defer to the very wind that appears to be blowing against you. (For another look at this concept, I recommend my friend Cabrero’s post from this past week.)

What’s more, goals can more easily be achieved when I let the total circumstances of life (including the crucial “still, small voice”) shape and influence those very goals. Perhaps I want to help one of the kids in my group at camp progress beyond infantile perseveration on scatological humor. The very first, and most important, question is, Does he want to do that, too? Or is this just my knee-jerk reaction to his behavior? What might his actions and words be telling me that I haven’t heard yet? Is there perhaps some other area in which he does long to mature? This requires that I let go of my smaller personal preferences, in favor of aligning my actions with larger principles in which I believe more firmly, such as “Some part of everyone wants to grow in a positive direction.” The same dynamic of attending, then attempting applies to my career, my relationship with my fiancée, and everywhere else in my life.

This principle is not just some exotic eastern export, by the way. Yes, the Buddhists do treasure it, calling it non-doing, and it is also at the very heart of the Tao. But you can also find it in a well-known passage of the Bible (I Kings 19: 11-12). Here, God appears to Elijah not in the popular, dramatic forms of earthquakes and fires, which turn out to be empty roaring, but rather as a "still, small voice."

Of course, this approach requires that I let go of all that societal stuff about success in the eyes of others. The kind of achievements I’m talking about don’t garner the limelight in our current world, attached as we are to self-made people amassing wealth, enormous celebrity based on shallow achievements, and endless, endless rivers of material objects. Maybe these are the 21st century versions of the empty earthquake and fires. Don't get me wrong; I get as excited over a shiny new computer or car as the next guy. I’m only trying to describe here the kind of energy I have to put every single day into keeping what is real at the top of my awareness.

As I write, I’m aware that this post veers away from the intellectual tone of most of my blog. And that’s alright, because that, in itself, is an example of what I’m describing here. I probably am not doing my readership statistics any favors by writing about non-doing as opposed to, say, the new iPhone.

But I felt my larger Self strongly this morning, and after reminding me for the 937th time that I will be freer and happier if I let go yet more of what other people think, it whispered in my ear, “Why don't you go write about what underlies all your other posts, for once?"

Top This Top Ten!

It''s late Saturday night, and time and energy both dictate a light, enjoyable post. So, the reliable fall-back: Let's do the iPod Shuffle! I wasn't so crazy about my last ten, but today's really represent some of my favorite artists. So let's get started:

Peaceful World - John Mellencamp
I put Mellencamp in the same class with Sheryl Crowe and Tom Petty: Reliably good roots rockers. I like about 10-12 of each of their songs. They might not make me think, but they are reasonably well-written, feature deep grooves, and their voices have that perfect rock'n'roll timbre.

Raining in My Heart - Buddy Holly
What can be said about a grand master? Holly started so much, and created so much, before dying so young. Always perfect. Period.

A Prayer - Suzzy and Maggie Roche
Gorgeous song off the Zero Church project. There are three on there that really grab me. If this doesn't give you goosebumps, you are a sociopath, and should proceed directly to your neighborhood psychiatric hospital.

Spider Web - Joan Osborne
Yes! One of the funkiest and best-written songs on my 'pod. Listening to this is like digging in to a huge scoop of coffee ice cream. With sprinkles.

What if We Give it Away? - R.E.M.
A bookmark in the pages of my halcyon days, when I was discovering how arty rock could be. And so was Michael Stipe.

Rumours of Glory - Bruce Cockburn
You probably don't know this song, and all I can say is, I am SO sorry for you. It includes much that made Bruce one of my role-models, back when I was writing songs full-time.

C is for Cloe - Stephen Bennett
A composer of near-perfect guitar instrumentals. I can listen to one album over and over. They simply make me happy.

Love in Flames - John Hiatt
Definitely not my favorite Hiatt song. But as far as his work in general: On my bad days, his songs makes me feel like being human is actually OK, and maybe even kind of hilarious. On my good days, I want to start a blog just about my favorite Hiatt songs. Except it would be all exclamation points.

My Wave - Soundgarden
My number-one-all-time-favorite ANGRY song. When I really can't take it anymore, I move the furntiure aside, put this on the stereo with the big speakers, and whip the volume knob all the way to the right. Look out.

Hoodoo Voodoo - Billy Bragg & Wilco
Haven't been able to make myself like any other Wilco albums (though I definitely haven't tried enough of them), but I love Tweedy's voice, and pairing him with Bragg -- and then both of them with Guthrie's lyrics -- was a great move. I love quite a lot of that Mermaid Ave. album.

¡Buenas noches, amigos musicales!

Perseverating on perseverate

In my previous post on teenage boys with Asperger's Syndrome, I mentioned the psychological term of art, perseveration.

Eric astutely picked up on it, and posted this comment:

I find that word "perseverating" fascinating. Claudius tells Hamlet that his mourning for his father is unnatural: "To persever / In obstinate condolement is a course / Of impious stubbornness, 'tis unmanly grief..." Within 50 lines Hamlet goes into his most "perseverating" soliloquy, in which he keeps returning to the same thought--his mother married his uncle too quickly--like a dog biting at a wound. "Talking about one topic over and over" indeed.

I agree with Eric: There's something potent about that verb. For one thing, it carries the feeling of the action it describes; an almost onomatopoeic effect. Often, when writing about psychology, I tend toward everyday language, unless I'm writing for school. It's less pretentious and more comprehensible. But I felt in this case that the lovely technical term adds to the reader's understanding.

In delving a bit deeper, I verified what I have long suspected: The psychological field seems to have coined the verb. We all know what perservere means -- to continue against opposition or difficulty. But perseverate removes the opposition, and replaces it with an internal drive, an obsession, really (in both the colloquial and clinical senses). Webster's 10th Collegiate says that the term in question first appears as a verb in 1910 -- smack in the peak period of Freud's career. I formed a hunch thatan early psychiatrist can be credited for the useful mutation. Later, I found a Merriam-Webster Word of the Day post that confirmed this hunch. Score one for getting a masters degree. Now to find a way to pay my rent with etymological hunches...

Finally, for those still hankering, a fairly useful definition from Answers.com:

Psychology.

1. Uncontrollable repetition of a particular response, such as a word, phrase, or gesture, despite the absence or cessation of a stimulus (...)
2. The tendency to continue or repeat an act or activity after the cessation of the original stimulus.

A tip of the Thinkulous hat to Eric for adding the dimension of the Hamlet references, and for inspiring this bit of etymological perseveration.